Wednesday, February 26, 2014

A*n't is a Dangerous Word

I detest the word "a*n't."  I refuse to even type it out.  Yet, my daughter's father and his family have no aversion to this word and use it often.  So every time my daughter comes home from her dad's house (every other weekend) I have to reprogram her vocabulary and grammar skills.  Which is fucking irritating and now it has become a game to her.  She uses it by accident once and I remind her that IT'S NOT A WORD AND I WILL GROUND HER FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE IF THE WORD PASSES HER LIPS AGAIN.  At that point, she starts using it as every other word.  Because she's ten and her mother's sanity is not important to her.

A few nights ago she was saying it over and over so I jokingly put my hands over my ears pretending to cry and said things like "Stop it, you're making skin crawl.  I'm going to go into a vocabulary induced coma.  I think there's blood coming out of my ears!  OMYGOD, I THINK MY BRAIN JUST EXPLODED!!!."  And then she said the funniest thing.

Daughter:  It IS a word.  It's in the dictionary.

Me:  It shouldn't be and it's a disgrace to humanity that someone put it there.

Daughter:  "What, is the word "a*n't" going to start the zombie apocalypse?"

Me:  Yes.  Yes, it is.

Daughter:  OMG.  HOW is "a*n't" going to start the zombie apocalypse?

Me:   (pausing for effect)  Every time you use that word our ancestors turn over in their graves.  Eventually, they are going to be so horrified by the deterioration of language in our society that they are going to rise up and come after us.  They fought to have equal education available to everyone regardless of income, race, or sex and we are just throwing that education out the window in favor of the word "a*n't."  The zombies are going to chase after everyone who uses that word and eat their brains because, clearly, anyone who will speak that word is not using their brains and their brains might as well be nourishment for the zombies.

And that, my friends, is why it is bad for your health and safety to use the word "a*n't."

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Time I Met Obama

Before I launch into my comedic post about my fantastically debauchery-less yet still amazingly fun (because I'm now old) trip to New Orleans, which resulted in me (almost) meeting Obama, I want to post a PSA.

Please, please, please go to the website and read a little about this non-profit organization.  They are doing truly awesome humanitarian work.  The people who run this organization are some of the most intelligent, passionate, fucking badass people I've ever met (which is impressive considering that I've [almost {not even close}] met Obama).  Help out this organization if you can, even if you just help spread the word.

     ***  If you don't email this link to everyone in your address book you will be banished to purgatory for all eternity.  If you don't post it on Twitter, Facebook, and tattoo it on your forearm, you and the next 20 generations of your descendants will rot in the hottest corner of Hell.   
Sorry about that last part. Facebook made me do it.  But seriously, please help out however you can.

And now on to my NOLA story and how I (almost [not even close {I saw a secret service guy}]) met Obama.  I saw a man a nice suit standing rigidly, with one of those little kind-of-inconspicuous ear pieces, in the lobby of the Roosevelt hotel.  During dinner someone mentioned that Obama was there for a wedding.   We saw some of the wedding guests parading through the hotel, and then through the street, waving their little decorative umbrellas to brass band music.  I never saw Obama, but it would have been awesome to see him prancing through a hotel with a little lacy decorative umbrella.

Is there a blogger award for Most Anti-Climactic Post of the Year?  The most impressive part of this story is that I squelched my immediate desire to track down the secret service guy and ask if I could feel his biceps.  I've always wondered if they're like super-human strong, you just can't tell because they're always wearing suits.  Or they might be robots.

The not-seeing-Obama part of this post is really pretty boring.  Not only is this post incredibly anti-climactic, but is probably going to land me on some NSA (we know she's a boring soccer mom but now we have to watch her because she said the president's name on the internet.  God, we hate these fucking people who throw around the president's name and now we can't go home to dinner because we've got to read her texts and her blog and her e-mails and listen to her phone calls) watch list. But the jokes on them because my texts consist of  making soccer carpool plans, making dinner plans, and saying sexily unprintable things to my husband.  I don't even MENTION the president, unless I'm texting someone to say that I didn't meet him.

Aside from not meeting the president, we did a lot of walking and perusing art galleries, and generally enjoying the beautiful weather.  Mostly, we did a lot of eating. OMG, was the food good.  I don't think I ate a single thing this weekend that didn't make me sigh with pleasure.

Lessons of the day:  
La Isla is a praise and funding worthy organization
You will probably not rot in Hell for not spreading the word... but why risk it?
Bourbon street smells like puke and is littered with people who are drunk at 9am (I didn't cover this in the post, but it's a well known fact)
I'm an expert at false promises

Happy Wednesday ya'll

Amanda The Southern UnBelle

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Movie Review Tuesday

That title would be much catchier if today were Monday, but I didn't get my shit together enough to post yesterday.  (Or the previous several weeks, for that matter).  

Disclaimer- I watched these movies on cable, so likely most of you have already seen these movies or read reviews that made you decide to not watch them.  Here's my unsolicited opinion anyway.

This is 40
Description:  A coming of age story for spoiled rich adults
Synopsis:  Steve and Jane (I don't remember their names.  That's how impressed I was by this movie.) spend a lot of time crying in their BMW and Lexus because they are in danger of losing their lush home in their pretentious neighborhood because they are pathetically inept at managing their businesses and finances. But they manage to have moments of happiness when they get high while on their weekend getaway (that probably cost the equivalent of 6 months of my salary).  And they have relationship break-throughs with their prosaically absentee/mooch fathers after they start very public fights with their fathers at their catered party.

Note the key words here.  I don't think the writers (or producers/directors/anyone involved in the making of this movie) understand the concept of having money problems.

My opinion:
It was about an hour and a half too long.
4 thumbs down.  Both of mine and Eric's.  He didn't actually see it because he fell asleep, but I think that statement proves my point.  The movie had a lot of funny parts so I *might* have been able to ignore the faulty plot if the movie had been shorter.  But it was just too fucking long to forgive.

Halloweentown (a Disney movie)
Description:  A family of witches band together to overcome the evil warlock
Synopsis:  3 adorable children defy their mother to sneakily follow their grandmother to her home in another dimension of ghouls and witches and the like.  They find their powers and reunite their mother and grandmother in the face of evil.

My opinion:
Loved every minute of it.  Absofuckinglutely adorable.

Happy Tuesday

The Southern UnBelle

Friday, September 27, 2013

Life, Whilst, and Suggestions for the TSA

I've been horrendously busy lately, both at work and at home.  Without boring you with my personal woes and complaints, let's just say that life hates me and I've hanging on by a mighty thin thread.  

Last weekend I made a new friend from the U.K. and he dropped the word "whilst" in conversation.  I've been pronouncing it "while-st", but apparently it's pronounced "whilst" with a short i.  I'm not sure that I've ever said it in conversation, but it shows up often in the trashy turn of the century romance novels I read and it's massively unfair to the fictional characters that I make them sound ignorant.  This is the kind of shit I worry about when I'm sick of worrying about the shit I should be worrying about.  That's possibly the most convoluted sentence I've ever written, but my lunch break is almost over so I'm leaving it.  And this might be the worst post I've ever written, but see above excuse.

As a side note, I was severely disappointed because my friend doesn't know or watch Dr. Who and I thought that was a requirement for Brits.  It should be, and it should be a new TSA screen.  Oh, and the TSA should also screen the men for undergarments because I heard a rumor that the men wear women's panties and no woman should be taken in by a British accent, only to find out that his undergarments are prettier than hers.  Don't women have enough to feel self-conscious about?   Isn't that written into one of the international peace treaties?

Happy Friday, my Blogger Friends!

Amanda- The Southern Unbelle

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Four. Weeks.

Since my last blog entry.

This is not me. It might be LA.

Ms. LA Juice, herself, mentioned me in her blog.  In a super-positive way.  Like she thinks I'm fabulous which MAKES ME LOVE HER EVEN MORE BECAUSE SHE, OBVIOUSLY, IS AS BRILLIANT AS SHE SEEMS.  Who doesn't love brilliance?  And the feeding of our own grandiose egos?  And bitches who totally know their shit when it comes to earthquakes? 

This is what happens when I don't get around to catching up on blogs for a month.  I miss important shit like being mentioned in a badass blog. 

I had a *strong* margarita at dinner so every time I tried to type "love her" it came out "lover her."  I don't know if my latent lesbianism comes out when I have tequila, or if it's just bad typing skills. Possibly, the degenerating typing skills cause the typos and the latent lesbianism causes me to only catch that particular typo after my fifteenth proof-read while I catch all of the rest of them on the first read through.  Me and Jose Cuervo, Freudin' it up.

Linux does not think that badass is one word. you, Linux.  Stop red squigglying my shit.  And stop red squigglying "squigglying."  Dammit. This is like arguing with a 4 year old.

               Tequila and Cupcakes. Yum.
While I was searching for a picture of a margarita I came across this photo of a margarita flavored cupcake.  Now I'm craving cupcakes.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Caution: Dumbass in Training

Hello friends (assuming anyone still checks this page).  I've been busy, partially because I started a new job last week.  I like the people (well, most of them) and it seems like a good company... so far so good.  I'm remaining cautiously optimistic for the time being.

Biggest Pro:  commute is 1hr 10 minutes less EACH WAY. 
Biggest Con:  It's a different industry than I worked in before, so I have a lot to learn.  

My internal dialogue usually breaks down like this:
8am:  Its a fresh day!  Today I will knock their socks off with my brilliance.
8:30am:  Okay, time for our productivity meeting.  Try not to look clueless.
10am:  Is it lunch time yet?  I know I can do that without looking clueless.
12pm:  TYJ, it's finally lunch time.  One whole hour of not looking clueless.
2pm:  OMG.  Did I just ask the same f*ing question I asked this morning?  They must think I'm clueless.
3pm:  I'm so clueless.
4pm:  I'm so f*ing clueless.
4:45pm:  Do I even remember how to get home?
5pm:  Do I even remember how to unlock my car door?   F*ck... WHERE THE F*CK ARE MY KEYS?!!!! 

Monday, May 6, 2013

Script Drug high

This morning I accidentally took my anxiety medicine (I normally only take it at night to help me sleep).  Now I'm at my desk feeling all loopy and just generally don't give a f*ck about anything.  It's good because I'm much less high-strung than usual, but it's bad because I have A LOT to do and can't afford to work at this lackadaisical pace.  But I feel fan*fucking*tastic.  Except when I stop to look at my hands because they feel funny.  I'm pretty sure I'm on a legal high right now.  I'm going to ask her if I can take a low dose of this stuff in the mornings from now on.  

I'm pretty sure everyone else would appreciate my being less high-strung as much as I would enjoy feeling mildly euphoric.


Monday's Deep Thoughts From Amanda Handy

Happy Is-It-Really-Only- Monday?!

Amanda the SUB